Damn.

Why can't she just put a bullet in my fucking head instead of this? Hey, then I could go like Cobain. That would be awesome.

This is a poem that came out when i was trying to express the stinging pain in my heart.

If i took a knife
and put it to my wrist
would the ache  in my heart go away
or just become fainter
until i collapse
from the pain you've bestowed
on a 14 year old girl.
since she was 8.
it happened after we moved
from the watchful eye
of grandma tara
i didn't understand
i guess you could say i still dont
but fuck this still hurts
more than ever
6 years later
when i held the knife
pressed it to my skin
watched my hand waver
and throw the knife across the room.
now entranced with my pure unmared skin
still whole
still pieced together
still not broken...
Still not reflecting whats on the inside.
Mocking me,
maybe i should just do it
maybe i should believe there's something worth waiting for
maybe i should put that knife to better use
At least i know they'll be a next time,
and i can make these choices then, instead of now, cause right now
i want my mommy.
i want the person who's supposed to love me to love me.
i can deal with not having a father, but its not fair to have to deal with not having a mother either.

the pain in my heart is still there
i just hope one day it won't be.

Fears

You're not scared of the dark,

You're scared of what's in it.



You're not afraid of heights,

You're afraid of pain from falling.



You're not afraid of people around you,

You're just afraid of rejection.



You're not afraid of love,

You're just afraid of not being loved back.



And you're not afraid to try again,

You're just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

I heard something somewhat stupid today and thought I'd share it,

There is a "lie" in believe,


"over" in lover,

"end" in friend,

"us" in trust,

and an "if" in life.
 
 
Well I think theirs a ball in balloon :D.... ok wait i can do better AND I'll time myself. there;s a don in donkey ,(that took about 45 seconds) there;s a scar in scary(8secons) ... i think im getting better....thers a she in sheep (2 min)...k nevermind....
 
I give up, but i think i got some good ones.

It means something to me. Why doesn't it mean anything to them?

All these people were supposed to graduate with us. Not move away because they need a fresh start or because their parents have been transferred.  I may not have liked some of these people, but when we first started highschool, I thought, "This is it. these are the people I am gonna be spending the next 5 years with. I probably won't get along with all of them, or even get to know most of them, but we at least have something in commmon. This is our highschool." To me once you've entered our school, you've made a commitment to stay. They owe us something. Why is that so meaningless to other people?

It's Not Over Yet.

We're teenagers. We're still learning. Shit happens. We cheat, we lie, we criticize, we fight over stupid things. We fall in love and end up getting hurt. We wish we were 5 years old again. We bitch about our parents. We bitch about bitches being bitches. We do stupid shit. We make mistakes. We have regrets. We hate people for no reason, we call each other names. We stay up late having deep conversations, or stay up late just to think. We go out and have a kick ass time with our friends and those will be the memories. One day that's going to all pass. You can waste your time focusing on all the bad things, but one day you're gonna wish you were still a teenager. So make the most of what you have now, forget all the bullshit and drama and live your fucking life with a sexy smile on your face. Live. Cause it's worth it.

P.S. I know I'm usually cynical so appreciate this.

Damn

I can pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does.

Omg it hurts

There's only so long a person can go without any snow. This christmas it didn't snow. And because of that, my whole year has felt off. I miss snow.

You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it's over.

I can handle one of them, but not both. Those two don't know it, but they have the power to destroy me. Or rather, the power to make me destroy myself.

I'm gonna go eat Mcdonalds, cause im not really hungry, but im crying and cause thats what fat people do.

when i was 10 she made fun of me for crying after she called me an ugly slut

I like to watch myself cry. I don't know why. But she doesn't deserve to see my tears

Nothing can hurt me they way she can

I've never had anything hurt that bad before. Wow this is new. I haven't cried in a while. I'm still not really, their just yawn tears.But their falling out. ..


i want her to care about me. to think what i do is important. to like me. to want me. to

to show that im worth it. to prove to her im worth something, so i can start to believe in it myself.

For fucks sake mom

You know what? Just stab me with a knife and get it over with. For fuck's sake mom.

thanks mom

i hate those moments you believe you could be happy, and then someone goes and ruins it. thanks mom

Sometimes I Run

Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror. And i don't see anything worth looking at. It's just -- I can't see the beauty in  myself anymore. I used to think I was good enough/prettyish, but now it's just not there anymore. I just see -- well not exactly ugliness, just boredom. I guess after 14 years of looking at myself in the mirror, I've finally had enough. I wonder if that's possible. If you can actually be bored with who you are, and what you look like. Well it is, cause here i am doing it.

You're Too Pretty For Me

Everytime I see a baby, I can see the good in the world. Then it starts drooling. And I come down from the metaphorical high I was put under by a belief that maybe everything was ok.

Everytime I open my heart, I get burned. Cause everyone around me carries matches.

It's my fault. I left myself vulnerable. I put my guard down, and once again they attack me. There's no safe place.

See, there's this thing about me. No matter what's happening in my life, I expect to be dissapointed. Usually it works out for me, but then today....I guess I forgot. I allowed myself to be happy that we were gonna do this thing, but then this person i was gonna do it with changed their mind. And it hurt so much. Cause they took my happiness away.

I am so stupid.

it hurts. alot. like theres nothing there.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009 at 9:04pm

I know I have a heart cause i can feel it b r e a k i n g

more ppl should like patrick star

SPONGEBOB: I'M MAD




PATRICK:ME TOO



SPONGEBOB: WHY ARE YOU MAD?



PATRICK: I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD



awe:)