Damn.

Why can't she just put a bullet in my fucking head instead of this? Hey, then I could go like Cobain. That would be awesome.

This is a poem that came out when i was trying to express the stinging pain in my heart.

If i took a knife
and put it to my wrist
would the ache  in my heart go away
or just become fainter
until i collapse
from the pain you've bestowed
on a 14 year old girl.
since she was 8.
it happened after we moved
from the watchful eye
of grandma tara
i didn't understand
i guess you could say i still dont
but fuck this still hurts
more than ever
6 years later
when i held the knife
pressed it to my skin
watched my hand waver
and throw the knife across the room.
now entranced with my pure unmared skin
still whole
still pieced together
still not broken...
Still not reflecting whats on the inside.
Mocking me,
maybe i should just do it
maybe i should believe there's something worth waiting for
maybe i should put that knife to better use
At least i know they'll be a next time,
and i can make these choices then, instead of now, cause right now
i want my mommy.
i want the person who's supposed to love me to love me.
i can deal with not having a father, but its not fair to have to deal with not having a mother either.

the pain in my heart is still there
i just hope one day it won't be.

Fears

You're not scared of the dark,

You're scared of what's in it.



You're not afraid of heights,

You're afraid of pain from falling.



You're not afraid of people around you,

You're just afraid of rejection.



You're not afraid of love,

You're just afraid of not being loved back.



And you're not afraid to try again,

You're just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

I heard something somewhat stupid today and thought I'd share it,

There is a "lie" in believe,


"over" in lover,

"end" in friend,

"us" in trust,

and an "if" in life.
 
 
Well I think theirs a ball in balloon :D.... ok wait i can do better AND I'll time myself. there;s a don in donkey ,(that took about 45 seconds) there;s a scar in scary(8secons) ... i think im getting better....thers a she in sheep (2 min)...k nevermind....
 
I give up, but i think i got some good ones.

It means something to me. Why doesn't it mean anything to them?

All these people were supposed to graduate with us. Not move away because they need a fresh start or because their parents have been transferred.  I may not have liked some of these people, but when we first started highschool, I thought, "This is it. these are the people I am gonna be spending the next 5 years with. I probably won't get along with all of them, or even get to know most of them, but we at least have something in commmon. This is our highschool." To me once you've entered our school, you've made a commitment to stay. They owe us something. Why is that so meaningless to other people?

It's Not Over Yet.

We're teenagers. We're still learning. Shit happens. We cheat, we lie, we criticize, we fight over stupid things. We fall in love and end up getting hurt. We wish we were 5 years old again. We bitch about our parents. We bitch about bitches being bitches. We do stupid shit. We make mistakes. We have regrets. We hate people for no reason, we call each other names. We stay up late having deep conversations, or stay up late just to think. We go out and have a kick ass time with our friends and those will be the memories. One day that's going to all pass. You can waste your time focusing on all the bad things, but one day you're gonna wish you were still a teenager. So make the most of what you have now, forget all the bullshit and drama and live your fucking life with a sexy smile on your face. Live. Cause it's worth it.

P.S. I know I'm usually cynical so appreciate this.

Damn

I can pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does.

Omg it hurts

There's only so long a person can go without any snow. This christmas it didn't snow. And because of that, my whole year has felt off. I miss snow.

You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it's over.

I can handle one of them, but not both. Those two don't know it, but they have the power to destroy me. Or rather, the power to make me destroy myself.

I'm gonna go eat Mcdonalds, cause im not really hungry, but im crying and cause thats what fat people do.

when i was 10 she made fun of me for crying after she called me an ugly slut

I like to watch myself cry. I don't know why. But she doesn't deserve to see my tears

Nothing can hurt me they way she can

I've never had anything hurt that bad before. Wow this is new. I haven't cried in a while. I'm still not really, their just yawn tears.But their falling out. ..


i want her to care about me. to think what i do is important. to like me. to want me. to

to show that im worth it. to prove to her im worth something, so i can start to believe in it myself.

For fucks sake mom

You know what? Just stab me with a knife and get it over with. For fuck's sake mom.

thanks mom

i hate those moments you believe you could be happy, and then someone goes and ruins it. thanks mom

Sometimes I Run

Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror. And i don't see anything worth looking at. It's just -- I can't see the beauty in  myself anymore. I used to think I was good enough/prettyish, but now it's just not there anymore. I just see -- well not exactly ugliness, just boredom. I guess after 14 years of looking at myself in the mirror, I've finally had enough. I wonder if that's possible. If you can actually be bored with who you are, and what you look like. Well it is, cause here i am doing it.

You're Too Pretty For Me

Everytime I see a baby, I can see the good in the world. Then it starts drooling. And I come down from the metaphorical high I was put under by a belief that maybe everything was ok.

Everytime I open my heart, I get burned. Cause everyone around me carries matches.

It's my fault. I left myself vulnerable. I put my guard down, and once again they attack me. There's no safe place.

See, there's this thing about me. No matter what's happening in my life, I expect to be dissapointed. Usually it works out for me, but then today....I guess I forgot. I allowed myself to be happy that we were gonna do this thing, but then this person i was gonna do it with changed their mind. And it hurt so much. Cause they took my happiness away.

I am so stupid.

it hurts. alot. like theres nothing there.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009 at 9:04pm

I know I have a heart cause i can feel it b r e a k i n g

more ppl should like patrick star

SPONGEBOB: I'M MAD




PATRICK:ME TOO



SPONGEBOB: WHY ARE YOU MAD?



PATRICK: I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD



awe:)

cheesecake is gooood

twenty years from now,


its not gonna matter where you got those jeans,

or how you wore your hair one day.

its not gonna matter who won that soccer game in decemeber of '09, in P.E

or who was talking sht behind your back.

its not gonna matter what those jerks about you,

and the boys who broke your heart aren't gonna matter either.

twenty years from now, its not gonna matter whether or not

you got your shirt at Hollister, or Walmart.

So let it go, because twenty years from now,

its not gonna matter.



but you know what does matter?

the ppl, who spend their time tring to make you laugh, and smile, and make you happy.

hmm kinda like cake.... yes absoketluty cake is what really matters



it makes you laugh cause you can throw it at ppl

it makes you smile, because it looks yummy

it makes you happy, because its cake!!



yep in twenty years we'll still want our cake. and eat it too. i never understood that. if you buy the cake you can eat it. or share it and eat it. but no matter what you eat it. even if your just a delivery person.



omg i love carrot cake!!!

i'TS SAD to say that this pain is killing me INside, buT it's what's keeping me alive

Tuesday, December 29, 2009 at 3:33am


you know what? someone should just take a really sharp pencil and just stab 'pain' in the heart. YOU SEE HOW IT FEELS? yeah, look at the skies. it all used to be really nice and breezy, and sunny or a really nice blue, that made you think 'life aint that bad' but now look at it! it's dark and twisted and sad. its jus...t some starless pitying sky. its mocking you, the way it mocks us saying "ha. i dont care about you. your one person. your nothing, so im not even gonna bother to try to cheer you up. then the next day while your starting to heal, its all bright and blue and good, like a BIG slap in the face saying 'no one cares anymore, get over it'. then, it wouldn't even matter because the led would break because pain isn't something you can attack, no matter how much you'd like to. then that one guy whose all like "lifes unfair deal with it." and you'd be like i know its fucking unfair. if it wasn't i'd be allowed to stab pain in the heart, so that maybe next time i wanna sleep at fucking 3 am, it wont keep attacking me over and over again, leaving me defenseless and vulnerable, with a keyboard being the only one who will listen to me, because fluffys not real. because i know hes not real, and i can wake up from another nightmare and grab fluffy and hug him, but i know he'll never hug me back. because i wanna go to sleep. because sleep is a good thing. this is a clear example of why its a good thing. but it doesn't even matter. because novocaine doesn't work in my world. welcome to the inside of my mind, where thoughts like to appear out of nowhere, and force their way out of my mouth. and out of my twitching fingers and onto my fucking blog.


why am i doing this? no idea, but i cant sleep, and its killing me inside. :D happy new years

HA TAKE THAT MILEY, I'VE GOT 8 THINGS

Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 10:16pm


8 things I hate most about people




1.People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?



2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search for the remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.



3. People who say you can't have your cake and eat it too. WTF?!? Why else would you have "your" cake?!?



4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?



5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No you idiot, I paid $14 to stare at the damn floor!



6. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.



7. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats shorter than life?



8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

Friday, February 19, 2010 at 7:25pm

you haven't lived until you've seen a 15 year old boy cry. It's even worse than when a girl cries, because in some sick way, its ok and normal for girls to cry, but when guys cry, holy shit, it is something else. it's like, looking at something, that looks totally broken. damaged beyond repair. and you feel this whole new level of pain and you feel wrong. like everything in the world is messed up, because any other time, they would never let themselves be or feel so vulnerable.




then "nothing can hurt me, im so tough" facade is back on, and they go around acting like it never happened. pretending that they're ok, when now you know they're really not and you know what? their pretty fucking good at it.



just like the rest of us.

I'm Covered In Scorch Marks

Her happiness burns my heart.
Causes an itch I can't scratch.
And if I'm not wearing shoes,
It leaves a trial of blood and broken glass.

P.S I wrote this two days ago, just got really tired so I'm finishing it today.

Happy Mother's Day

What do you write to a mother who hates you, regrets giving birth to you and wishes you were dead? Well, when she says that she's usually pretty pissed off so she doesn't mean it....kinda....exactly.

I didn't get her a birthday card, so i think i owe her this at least. She's working today though, so I'm writing it today, but I planned this stuff out a while ago.



Anyway a family friend, was hanging out with me that day, and made me buy her a card. At least she let me buy it with my mothers money.

Now as to what to write in it. I didn't want to write some sentimental shit, like i usually do, cause right now, everything's different. I don't even plan on writing I Love You.

The problem is it's a pretty big card. And it opens like up and down, instead of left to right, so it can stand.

It says and the names are fake for their identity., Mom, thanks for giving birth to me. Lily, Katie, Alex, Alice, Amanda, Samantha, Angela, Alison, Tara, (etc) also say thanks.

And the names are gonne be big and everywhere. Along with some poems, I found. Because honestly if i write a poem, it's gonna be like, rude, and personal, and probably wont make her very happy.
 And because I'm a better person than her, I'm not gonna get her something, tell her about it, then just take it away, like she did to me in grade freaking 1....

Happy Mother's Day

Owwie

My heart hurts. I hate you mom.

Feel This

Do you wanna know the most painful thing in the world? It's not heartbreak. That's the second.
Well, have you ever felt nothing? Cause that's it. That's the one feeling that will actually cause you to miss pain. To want to feel it. It's the reason people cut themselves. To be numb, to not feel anything at all. To be so used to the pain that it's gone. That's really scary.

Some people cut themselves. I don't. I put ice (not the drug, that really cold frozen thing), in my mouth, and at one point i forget about the pain, cause it's like, holy shit this is cold.

My average in school right now is a C. Which for me is pretty bad. Without trying, I can get B's pretty easily. Now it's mostly C +, C-, or C. I am getting one A(95.6), and one F(32.4).

It's cause, i have nothing to live for. Nothing that makes me feel passionate. For a while i was really lost. Like, I lost my library card, and for the past 3 months, I just kept renewing them. Then when i get the email, that it was due in a week, that's when i realized i lost my library card. Now, by chance, I've lost my bus pass, for all 4 months, of 2010. Yep, that's right, Jan-April. So i couln't go to return it. And i din't feel like spending 1.75 to go return it. The thing is, there's a late fee. 60 cents per book per day. It's been about 2 weeks. If i had gone to return it it wouldn't have been so bad earlier. The fee by now's probably way more thann 1.75 by now, so yes i am stupid. But the thing is...I just don't care, enough to go return those books. So right now those fee's are piling up, and i really don't care.

So yeah, like i said, im feeling prety hopeless.

Then I came across this quote. If you can't find something to live for, find something to die for. It's a bit unrealistic. I can't pull a Edward (Cullen), and dedicate my life to something. So goodbye optimism.

I am currently failing Science 9. (That's the 32 % one.) A couple of days ago my science teacher asked me what motivates me. Halfassed I replied, "Music? I don't know, I honestly don't have anything to look forward to in life. I just don't care anymore. About anything. And I'm not just saying that to be difficult, I really don't." And so he goes, "Nicole, your what 14?" I nodded. "You have your whole life ahead of you."(He also rambled on off that abit.) "To be honest Mr. B___ I'm really tired of like, everything. Like I dunno, I'm just sick of life . I'm ready for it all to just be over."

Then he said, some meaningless shit to me about how that scares him, and how i should talk to someone, blah blah blah. At the end of the day it's all just words, when you don't care about anything anymore.

I then pondered abit, about what makes me happy and soulful, and passionate. I did come up with something, back with Mr. B, but didn't say it just for the sake of time.(Cause I didn't want to explain it.)

It's playing the bass. It's...it's like.........I'm strong, when I play........ok, like....maybe i should just list reasons.

it feels right
its fun
it empowering
its easy, and something i can do right
something i can't mess up
it makes me feel like less of a failure and waste of space
it makes me happy
it feels good. no not just good, like AMAZING. like the best feeling in the world.
it makes me...when i play, it's the like, i believe in humanity. the world is good and pure and perfect, and it makes me feel like im worht something. Like -- like I'm not broken.