Feel This

Do you wanna know the most painful thing in the world? It's not heartbreak. That's the second.
Well, have you ever felt nothing? Cause that's it. That's the one feeling that will actually cause you to miss pain. To want to feel it. It's the reason people cut themselves. To be numb, to not feel anything at all. To be so used to the pain that it's gone. That's really scary.

Some people cut themselves. I don't. I put ice (not the drug, that really cold frozen thing), in my mouth, and at one point i forget about the pain, cause it's like, holy shit this is cold.

My average in school right now is a C. Which for me is pretty bad. Without trying, I can get B's pretty easily. Now it's mostly C +, C-, or C. I am getting one A(95.6), and one F(32.4).

It's cause, i have nothing to live for. Nothing that makes me feel passionate. For a while i was really lost. Like, I lost my library card, and for the past 3 months, I just kept renewing them. Then when i get the email, that it was due in a week, that's when i realized i lost my library card. Now, by chance, I've lost my bus pass, for all 4 months, of 2010. Yep, that's right, Jan-April. So i couln't go to return it. And i din't feel like spending 1.75 to go return it. The thing is, there's a late fee. 60 cents per book per day. It's been about 2 weeks. If i had gone to return it it wouldn't have been so bad earlier. The fee by now's probably way more thann 1.75 by now, so yes i am stupid. But the thing is...I just don't care, enough to go return those books. So right now those fee's are piling up, and i really don't care.

So yeah, like i said, im feeling prety hopeless.

Then I came across this quote. If you can't find something to live for, find something to die for. It's a bit unrealistic. I can't pull a Edward (Cullen), and dedicate my life to something. So goodbye optimism.

I am currently failing Science 9. (That's the 32 % one.) A couple of days ago my science teacher asked me what motivates me. Halfassed I replied, "Music? I don't know, I honestly don't have anything to look forward to in life. I just don't care anymore. About anything. And I'm not just saying that to be difficult, I really don't." And so he goes, "Nicole, your what 14?" I nodded. "You have your whole life ahead of you."(He also rambled on off that abit.) "To be honest Mr. B___ I'm really tired of like, everything. Like I dunno, I'm just sick of life . I'm ready for it all to just be over."

Then he said, some meaningless shit to me about how that scares him, and how i should talk to someone, blah blah blah. At the end of the day it's all just words, when you don't care about anything anymore.

I then pondered abit, about what makes me happy and soulful, and passionate. I did come up with something, back with Mr. B, but didn't say it just for the sake of time.(Cause I didn't want to explain it.)

It's playing the bass. It's...it's like.........I'm strong, when I play........ok, like....maybe i should just list reasons.

it feels right
its fun
it empowering
its easy, and something i can do right
something i can't mess up
it makes me feel like less of a failure and waste of space
it makes me happy
it feels good. no not just good, like AMAZING. like the best feeling in the world.
it makes me...when i play, it's the like, i believe in humanity. the world is good and pure and perfect, and it makes me feel like im worht something. Like -- like I'm not broken.